Someone asked me why this wasn't republished in grumbles, I though it had been.
The comment was originally inspired by a thread where some poor sod was discussing a god-awful vax cross-assembler that used to assemble Z80 code at the rate of a couple of lines of source per second. This was back in the 80's, and even then that sort of performance was laughably slow. Not that I have much sympathy with programmers who put up with garbage development tools - we always wrote our own, and as a result while that idiot was waiting half an hour or so for each build we'd have been long finished and off down the pub. Each to their own, I suppose...
From cix:flying_gerbils, Nov 2001. This was a glimpse of what life was like in the fast lane of software development way back when we were fab, not flab ;)
It is the mid 80's. In a bedroom in Manchester crem leans back from his computer and idly fondles his sleeping girlfriend**. ParaSys, his IDE, notices he's stopped typing and assembles several thousand lines of Dark Star source, links it and sends it across the network to the target machine. Debugging windows open, soft-scrolling command histories in the couple of seconds this entire process requires. The game starts. ParaSys emulates user interaction until a watch point event fires and traps the application. The editor window moves to the offending line and register displays slide into place. Crem groans. Lesley stops groaning. He leans forward and single-steps through a few lines of code, then changes one with ParaSys automatically updating the syntax-highlighting and error markers as he types. He leans back and seconds later both games continue with renewed enthusiasm... Twenty seconds have passed...
[edit]
It is nearly twenty years later. In an office in wales crem leans back from his computer and idly fondles himself. Ameol doesn't notice. Lesley is long-gone and the only thing groaning is his chair...
** Games weren't written in bedrooms for nothing, y'know.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
Bzzzz-z-z-z-zzzzz-z-z-z-zzzzz
I have long cherished the ambition to stop working on tedious industrial products and get involved in something more satisfying, something with human interest, something that increases the sum total of human happiness... In short, sex aids.
The opportunity arose last week. One of my friends managed to wear out her favourite toy and asked if I could fix it; reluctantly, after several fractions of a second of arm-twisting, I agreed.
On inspection all that was wrong with the poor thing was that the wires were broken - it was one of the ones that has a control box and a variety of plug-in, erm, attachments. These had all been used to the point where they were intermittent; a simple enough fix - some more flexible cable, some heat-shrink tubing, some user-testing [cold shower] and the job's done. Unless, of course, you have the sort of mind that opens the control box, looks at the inevitable 12C508 PIC, and thinks "PIC? I'm not having any of my friends having sex with a fucking PIC..."
So, a couple of hours later we have a new improved AVR version. From eight 'programmes' to forty; pulses, sequences, sawtooths, triangle waves, variable speeds...
Source (Zeus) code for the AtTiny15 can be found at http://www.desdes.com/products/avr/
Enjoy ;)
The opportunity arose last week. One of my friends managed to wear out her favourite toy and asked if I could fix it; reluctantly, after several fractions of a second of arm-twisting, I agreed.
On inspection all that was wrong with the poor thing was that the wires were broken - it was one of the ones that has a control box and a variety of plug-in, erm, attachments. These had all been used to the point where they were intermittent; a simple enough fix - some more flexible cable, some heat-shrink tubing, some user-testing [cold shower] and the job's done. Unless, of course, you have the sort of mind that opens the control box, looks at the inevitable 12C508 PIC, and thinks "PIC? I'm not having any of my friends having sex with a fucking PIC..."
So, a couple of hours later we have a new improved AVR version. From eight 'programmes' to forty; pulses, sequences, sawtooths, triangle waves, variable speeds...
Source (Zeus) code for the AtTiny15 can be found at http://www.desdes.com/products/avr/
Enjoy ;)
Friday, May 19, 2006
Nicknames
Ah, the wonders of the web.
While pondering it occurred to me that we didn't have a reasonable nickname for our son, and that "evil little bastard", "little horror" and even "lord foul's bairn" and other similar epithets were wearing thin.
After a bit of thought I arrived at "Bielzibabe" and the wonder of the web is such that a mere few seconds later I can confirm that it's original, or at least Google hasn't heard of it. Ah... So, it's goodbye to "what's the evil one been up to today, then" and hello "BB"...
Now all I have to do is work out what to tell her indoors it means...
While pondering it occurred to me that we didn't have a reasonable nickname for our son, and that "evil little bastard", "little horror" and even "lord foul's bairn" and other similar epithets were wearing thin.
After a bit of thought I arrived at "Bielzibabe" and the wonder of the web is such that a mere few seconds later I can confirm that it's original, or at least Google hasn't heard of it. Ah... So, it's goodbye to "what's the evil one been up to today, then" and hello "BB"...
Now all I have to do is work out what to tell her indoors it means...
Friday, May 05, 2006
Overheating
I noticed my fileserver (a bog-standard tower PC with a vertically-mounted motherboard) was down yesterday, so I wandered out (it lives outside the house, for various reasons) and power-cycled the bloody thing.
It started working, so I logged onto it had a rummage about on the disk to see if there were any traces of what stopped it. After a minute or two of this it stopped again. After various dark mutterings (it was dark) I wandered out again and went to power-cycle it again, but this time I noticed it smelled 'hot' so I dragged it inside and took the covers off. This time it wouldn't start up at all...
And eventually - never accuse me of being completely unobservant - I noticed why. All the surface mount power devices near the CPU had slipped away from their placements. The buggers must have got so hot they'd desoldered themselves and wandered off...
It's interesting that all the devices seem to have been exposed to the same temperature, so my model, which could be complete bollocks, is along the lines of the CPU fan failing (the only mechanical bit, after all) and the CPU then steadily dumping heat into the PSU devices (they're very near. The CPU is just out of shot in that photo) until they got fed up and sloped off.
I suspect the PSU was running right up until the end and the ex-FET probably died heroically as a result of its clamp diode leaving home and abandoning it... Strains of the Titanic, the music playing on as the passengers slid down the deck to their doom... What? Sorry, came over a little strange there. Been working too hard. Doesn't happen often...
It started working, so I logged onto it had a rummage about on the disk to see if there were any traces of what stopped it. After a minute or two of this it stopped again. After various dark mutterings (it was dark) I wandered out again and went to power-cycle it again, but this time I noticed it smelled 'hot' so I dragged it inside and took the covers off. This time it wouldn't start up at all...
And eventually - never accuse me of being completely unobservant - I noticed why. All the surface mount power devices near the CPU had slipped away from their placements. The buggers must have got so hot they'd desoldered themselves and wandered off...
It's interesting that all the devices seem to have been exposed to the same temperature, so my model, which could be complete bollocks, is along the lines of the CPU fan failing (the only mechanical bit, after all) and the CPU then steadily dumping heat into the PSU devices (they're very near. The CPU is just out of shot in that photo) until they got fed up and sloped off.
I suspect the PSU was running right up until the end and the ex-FET probably died heroically as a result of its clamp diode leaving home and abandoning it... Strains of the Titanic, the music playing on as the passengers slid down the deck to their doom... What? Sorry, came over a little strange there. Been working too hard. Doesn't happen often...
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Fundie-Flit(tm)
> Just invest in a flag factory. The Muslim world can't burn enough of
> 'em, apparently.
I've just had an idea - what someone ought to do is encode the text of the holy books of every god-bothering set of lunatics into binary, then transcribe that to a DNA sequence (fairly easily done these days) and then it could be cheaply replicated and sold in spray cans. Then all you'd have to do is spray your flags, embassies, etc, etc with it and they'd be inviolate: "You can't burn that - it has billions of copies of the Qur'an on it"
We could call it "Fundie-Flit" or some such.
We could also insert the appropriate sequence into a retro-virus, making it possible for the daft buggers to write the word of de lord into every cell in their bodies, where hopefully it'd do the most good (for the rest of us, that is)...
> 'em, apparently.
I've just had an idea - what someone ought to do is encode the text of the holy books of every god-bothering set of lunatics into binary, then transcribe that to a DNA sequence (fairly easily done these days) and then it could be cheaply replicated and sold in spray cans. Then all you'd have to do is spray your flags, embassies, etc, etc with it and they'd be inviolate: "You can't burn that - it has billions of copies of the Qur'an on it"
We could call it "Fundie-Flit" or some such.
We could also insert the appropriate sequence into a retro-virus, making it possible for the daft buggers to write the word of de lord into every cell in their bodies, where hopefully it'd do the most good (for the rest of us, that is)...
Friday, February 17, 2006
More culls from conferences
(6 Sept 2000) General ineptitude
An idiot was once asked to video a friend driving in a motor race, which would have been fine had they not pressed the record/pause button once too often at the start and so become completely out of sync. . .
The resulting footage consisted of twenty minutes of grass, footwear, and incidental conversation, interspersed each lap as the camera panned up to the track when the cars became audible then cut just as they come into view to a shot of them disappearing out of view again.
So, having videoed the entire race without managing to get a single shot of the damned car, but capturing every disparaging comment made about the driving, the idiot then went and gave the tape to the driver without checking what was on it ;)
There's a plus side, though. I don't get asked to video races anymore...
(18 Oct 2000) Energy policy
> If I had gas I would set fire to it.
I have friends who regularly try to set fire to mine. . . Bastards, all of them. One day I'll invent catalytic-converter underpants, simultaneously eliminating the risk of blow-back and keeping the olde nadgers warm. See if I don't...
(22 Nov 2000) Reminiscing
I miss the person I was back in the days of laurence, I occasionally find myself rereading it and wondering what the fuck my sense of humour has been doing during the subsequent five years and why the bastard hasn't sent me a postcard.
(3 Dec 2000) Railway speed restrictions
What's all this nonsense about train-drivers being unable to cope with new speed restrictions ? What do they do that's so complicated ? They don't even have to steer the damned things. Mind you, I suppose having to look out of the window does present a bit of a challenge if you're used to getting in, slapping your beer-belly on the dead-mans switch and falling asleep.
I suspect the only reason these railway speed-restrictions have been lifted is that the tiny-brained vermin who rejoice whenever motorists get shafted tend to travel by train, and don't like it when it happens to them. . .
>> They should be thankful that they don't have speed humps.
Pah. Don't talk to me about speed-humps, t'wife set a new record the other day. From completely clothed to post-coitus cigarette in under a minute, and we don't even smoke.
(9 Oct 2004) Women
> How else could they be so cunning and manipulative?
Lots and lots of practice. I have a theory - dinosaurs... no! not that theory! Where was I? Oh yes:
For the last few months She Who Must Be Obeyed has been taking t'daughter, Gurgle, (aged 5 going on 15) to ballet dancing lessons. Lots of Gurgle's friends seem to be involved, but - and here is where the theory comes in - as far as I can tell none of them shows the slightest ability or inclination to dance. It would be kindness itself to describe their dancing ability as being on a par with that of Ayres rock. They collectively have all the grace and skill of a herd of pissed elephants. So, either this is a ruse and they're being taught something else or somewhere in cheshire there's an inept and/or suicidal ballet-dancing teacher. . .
I suspect some sort of female indoctrination process hidden from the eyes of men. I must investigate. I'll follow her next time and report ba[no carrier]
An idiot was once asked to video a friend driving in a motor race, which would have been fine had they not pressed the record/pause button once too often at the start and so become completely out of sync. . .
The resulting footage consisted of twenty minutes of grass, footwear, and incidental conversation, interspersed each lap as the camera panned up to the track when the cars became audible then cut just as they come into view to a shot of them disappearing out of view again.
So, having videoed the entire race without managing to get a single shot of the damned car, but capturing every disparaging comment made about the driving, the idiot then went and gave the tape to the driver without checking what was on it ;)
There's a plus side, though. I don't get asked to video races anymore...
(18 Oct 2000) Energy policy
> If I had gas I would set fire to it.
I have friends who regularly try to set fire to mine. . . Bastards, all of them. One day I'll invent catalytic-converter underpants, simultaneously eliminating the risk of blow-back and keeping the olde nadgers warm. See if I don't...
(22 Nov 2000) Reminiscing
I miss the person I was back in the days of laurence, I occasionally find myself rereading it and wondering what the fuck my sense of humour has been doing during the subsequent five years and why the bastard hasn't sent me a postcard.
(3 Dec 2000) Railway speed restrictions
What's all this nonsense about train-drivers being unable to cope with new speed restrictions ? What do they do that's so complicated ? They don't even have to steer the damned things. Mind you, I suppose having to look out of the window does present a bit of a challenge if you're used to getting in, slapping your beer-belly on the dead-mans switch and falling asleep.
I suspect the only reason these railway speed-restrictions have been lifted is that the tiny-brained vermin who rejoice whenever motorists get shafted tend to travel by train, and don't like it when it happens to them. . .
>> They should be thankful that they don't have speed humps.
Pah. Don't talk to me about speed-humps, t'wife set a new record the other day. From completely clothed to post-coitus cigarette in under a minute, and we don't even smoke.
(9 Oct 2004) Women
> How else could they be so cunning and manipulative?
Lots and lots of practice. I have a theory - dinosaurs... no! not that theory! Where was I? Oh yes:
For the last few months She Who Must Be Obeyed has been taking t'daughter, Gurgle, (aged 5 going on 15) to ballet dancing lessons. Lots of Gurgle's friends seem to be involved, but - and here is where the theory comes in - as far as I can tell none of them shows the slightest ability or inclination to dance. It would be kindness itself to describe their dancing ability as being on a par with that of Ayres rock. They collectively have all the grace and skill of a herd of pissed elephants. So, either this is a ruse and they're being taught something else or somewhere in cheshire there's an inept and/or suicidal ballet-dancing teacher. . .
I suspect some sort of female indoctrination process hidden from the eyes of men. I must investigate. I'll follow her next time and report ba[no carrier]
Thursday, February 16, 2006
"Publish and be dumbed"
After forty-odd (some very odd) years I've come to the following conclusion about life:
It is not possible to avoid making mistakes. It is, however, possible to only make one mistake. And that's by never doing anything at all...
It is not possible to avoid making mistakes. It is, however, possible to only make one mistake. And that's by never doing anything at all...
Monday, February 13, 2006
Easter eggs
For some reason hidden jokes in computer software are called "easter eggs"; some can be found here:
http://www.eeggs.com/
http://www.eeggs.com/
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Echo
Gah, just caught the tail end of another popular science program which referred to the cosmic background radiation as the "echo of the big bang"...
Why echo? Do they think the bloody photons bounced off something? Edge of the universe, perhaps?
(Kindly resist the urge to mention decoupling)
Why echo? Do they think the bloody photons bounced off something? Edge of the universe, perhaps?
(Kindly resist the urge to mention decoupling)
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Atmel AVR woes
Here we go again. During testing today Herve spotted an AVR (ATMega128) failing our LPM test code. He then gets the heat gun out and starts checking them at elevated temperature, and only one of the first three meets Atmel's specifications. The others fail at +60C and +70C, which isn't good for a device supposed to work at +85C...
These are from batch code 0510.
Fuck.
These are from batch code 0510.
Fuck.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Ancient grumpings
But all that Rob could find was a trail of foot-prints, and following them he was led through the forest, along strange overgrown paths, to a clearing, where a freshly turned mound of earth lay stark in the moonlight.
Sensing movement, he was drawn towards the mound - where, to his horror, he saw that the dirt was being pushed up from beneath. Unable to move, transfixed by horror, Rob watched as a shape rose silently out of the ground, an object held vertically by a hand who's arm remained rooted in the soil - a familiar object, yet somehow hideously deformed into a grotesque parody of its natural state - as recognition dawned, mercifully his mind snapped and he ran shrieking from the clearing "Gaaahh ! The shift-keys ! The shift-keys ! Why put them there ?"
Behind him, the PC keyboard (102 keys) stood mutely in the moonlight. . .
(From cix:laurence 26 Jun 1995)
Sensing movement, he was drawn towards the mound - where, to his horror, he saw that the dirt was being pushed up from beneath. Unable to move, transfixed by horror, Rob watched as a shape rose silently out of the ground, an object held vertically by a hand who's arm remained rooted in the soil - a familiar object, yet somehow hideously deformed into a grotesque parody of its natural state - as recognition dawned, mercifully his mind snapped and he ran shrieking from the clearing "Gaaahh ! The shift-keys ! The shift-keys ! Why put them there ?"
Behind him, the PC keyboard (102 keys) stood mutely in the moonlight. . .
(From cix:laurence 26 Jun 1995)
Discussing fundamentals
[edit]
You can never tell - last night I was seen wandering naked around the house by one of my sisters-in-law, and today she made me a nice packed lunch with quiche and even a slice of cake**, which could be taken as a rather unexpected form of approval for my previously unevaluated posterior.
[thinks: mind you, she hasn't had even a sniff of a man for over a year]
** That's better treatment than I get from t'wife, who can usually be relied upon to produce a bitter and twisted sandwich where the two slices of bread are not even aligned properly, and of such minuscule proportions that there's hardly anything left after the food-taster's had a bite. Gah, it's a hard life...
(From cix: 25 Oct 2004)
You can never tell - last night I was seen wandering naked around the house by one of my sisters-in-law, and today she made me a nice packed lunch with quiche and even a slice of cake**, which could be taken as a rather unexpected form of approval for my previously unevaluated posterior.
[thinks: mind you, she hasn't had even a sniff of a man for over a year]
** That's better treatment than I get from t'wife, who can usually be relied upon to produce a bitter and twisted sandwich where the two slices of bread are not even aligned properly, and of such minuscule proportions that there's hardly anything left after the food-taster's had a bite. Gah, it's a hard life...
(From cix: 25 Oct 2004)
Computer clubs of the early 80's
[edit]
Ah, nostalgia. Those days are gone forever, as are the days of cheap little trade-fairs where a software-house could go and set up a stand, sell hundreds of tapes for a few quid that the tax man never found out about and get seriously pissed/stoned in front of an adoring public.
At least, that's how it should have been - in practice, however, usually the company car'd break down on the way, we'd cut our fingers to ribbons inserting cassette inlays and the guys with the drugs (don't ever do a trade-fair sober) wouldn't turn up, the adoring public would turn out to be masses of snotty little kids who'd spend all day playing the games for nothing while nicking everything that wasn't nailed down and we'd get into a fight 'cause Neil leant on and knocked over the neighbouring stand. . .
(From cix 16 Oct 2000)
Ah, nostalgia. Those days are gone forever, as are the days of cheap little trade-fairs where a software-house could go and set up a stand, sell hundreds of tapes for a few quid that the tax man never found out about and get seriously pissed/stoned in front of an adoring public.
At least, that's how it should have been - in practice, however, usually the company car'd break down on the way, we'd cut our fingers to ribbons inserting cassette inlays and the guys with the drugs (don't ever do a trade-fair sober) wouldn't turn up, the adoring public would turn out to be masses of snotty little kids who'd spend all day playing the games for nothing while nicking everything that wasn't nailed down and we'd get into a fight 'cause Neil leant on and knocked over the neighbouring stand. . .
(From cix 16 Oct 2000)
Thursday, June 02, 2005
The tongue
While idly eating a chocolate covered donut today it occurred to me to wonder why the tongue is on the bottom of the mouth, surely sensible design would have it on the top where it'd work with gravity, not against it... And why, given this fact, did the donut have the tasty chocolate on the top? It'd taste better if they'd put the topping on the bottom. If you ask me, just about every piece of confectionary in the world is upside-down.
As an experiment I tried eating the donut upside-down, but nearly choked. Next time I'll just turn the damned thing over...
As an experiment I tried eating the donut upside-down, but nearly choked. Next time I'll just turn the damned thing over...
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Bloody plants
Gah, by the prickling of my nose I can tell those damned plants are having a good time again... I don't mind them having sex, but do they have to try having it with me? Why can't they direct their rotten pollen where it'll do some good? Bloody trees...
I've been told it's rape, but I think that's putting it a bit strongly. It's more like sexual assault...
[sniffle]
I've been told it's rape, but I think that's putting it a bit strongly. It's more like sexual assault...
[sniffle]
Techno-porn
When electronics technicians go bad:
http://www.smithappens.com/picture/542/Led-and-resistor-circuits-sex-positions.html
http://www.smithappens.com/picture/542/Led-and-resistor-circuits-sex-positions.html
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Bloody users
Few user interfaces are more intuitive than a touch screen. But even so, there's always someone who'll find the flaw in your otherwise perfect design...
(One of our kiosks being misused at the new J.Lewis store in Trafford Park)
(One of our kiosks being misused at the new J.Lewis store in Trafford Park)
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Curious day at work...
We were discussing Janet Jackson's 'accident' at work today, and as part of wondering what all the fuss was about someone happened to remark "If you've seen one tit, you've seen them all".
This produced a lull in the conversation as we all pondered the merits of this viewpoint, I hope with an eye to its refutation, into which someone floated a contemplative "If you've seen one tit, you've probably seen two"...
Later on, somehow we got onto the topic of "dubious" websites. Someone mentioned www.ratemypoo.com so, of course, I pull it up to see what it was all about. It was slow (no broadband hereabouts) so the machine sat there doing nothing for a while and then, at exactly the moment when a very straight-laced VIP visitor from the States walked in to the room, it displayed a graphic image of the most disgusting toilet-bowl and contents you could possibly imagine... Which I might have managed to talk my way out of had not one of the other bastards remarked, quick as a flash, "Oh, Crem, haven't you tired of that screensaver yet ?"
(From cix:zeitgeist/mp3vsassembler 12 Feb 2004)
This produced a lull in the conversation as we all pondered the merits of this viewpoint, I hope with an eye to its refutation, into which someone floated a contemplative "If you've seen one tit, you've probably seen two"...
Later on, somehow we got onto the topic of "dubious" websites. Someone mentioned www.ratemypoo.com so, of course, I pull it up to see what it was all about. It was slow (no broadband hereabouts) so the machine sat there doing nothing for a while and then, at exactly the moment when a very straight-laced VIP visitor from the States walked in to the room, it displayed a graphic image of the most disgusting toilet-bowl and contents you could possibly imagine... Which I might have managed to talk my way out of had not one of the other bastards remarked, quick as a flash, "Oh, Crem, haven't you tired of that screensaver yet ?"
(From cix:zeitgeist/mp3vsassembler 12 Feb 2004)
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
M4 speed cameras
Apparently there was a go-slow protest organised because speed cameras were installed on the M4.
Am I missing something? - the cameras are (ostensibly) put there to make people drive slower, and the protesters protest by, um, driving slower? Well, that's really going to encourage the authorities to take action... I can see more cameras appearing already ;)
I dunno. I can't help thinking that all 'slow drive' protests are idiotic - by going so slowly they erode public support and by causing more fuel to be burned they both damage the environment and (through fuel tax) put more money in the government's pockets. It'd probably be more effective to drive at ~40MPH. They'd get just as much publicity, do less damage and not fund the very people they're protesting against. Gah...
Am I missing something? - the cameras are (ostensibly) put there to make people drive slower, and the protesters protest by, um, driving slower? Well, that's really going to encourage the authorities to take action... I can see more cameras appearing already ;)
I dunno. I can't help thinking that all 'slow drive' protests are idiotic - by going so slowly they erode public support and by causing more fuel to be burned they both damage the environment and (through fuel tax) put more money in the government's pockets. It'd probably be more effective to drive at ~40MPH. They'd get just as much publicity, do less damage and not fund the very people they're protesting against. Gah...
Democrazy
Apparently there's a general election going on this week - let it not be said I'm unobservant - which means we get the chance to choose which set of lying, conniving, thieving, incompetent bastards gets to ruin the country for the next few years.
Oh, what joy. Let's see, do I want to vote for someone who'll tax me to death with a smile, with a grin or with a will. Gah... Is there a "None of the above" box?
Actually, with politicians it's not the lying, conniving or even thieving that gets to me, it's their incompetence. Useless tossers...
Oh, what joy. Let's see, do I want to vote for someone who'll tax me to death with a smile, with a grin or with a will. Gah... Is there a "None of the above" box?
Actually, with politicians it's not the lying, conniving or even thieving that gets to me, it's their incompetence. Useless tossers...
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