Friday, February 17, 2006

More culls from conferences

(6 Sept 2000) General ineptitude

An idiot was once asked to video a friend driving in a motor race, which would have been fine had they not pressed the record/pause button once too often at the start and so become completely out of sync. . .

The resulting footage consisted of twenty minutes of grass, footwear, and incidental conversation, interspersed each lap as the camera panned up to the track when the cars became audible then cut just as they come into view to a shot of them disappearing out of view again.

So, having videoed the entire race without managing to get a single shot of the damned car, but capturing every disparaging comment made about the driving, the idiot then went and gave the tape to the driver without checking what was on it ;)

There's a plus side, though. I don't get asked to video races anymore...

(18 Oct 2000) Energy policy

> If I had gas I would set fire to it.

I have friends who regularly try to set fire to mine. . . Bastards, all of them. One day I'll invent catalytic-converter underpants, simultaneously eliminating the risk of blow-back and keeping the olde nadgers warm. See if I don't...

(22 Nov 2000) Reminiscing

I miss the person I was back in the days of laurence, I occasionally find myself rereading it and wondering what the fuck my sense of humour has been doing during the subsequent five years and why the bastard hasn't sent me a postcard.

(3 Dec 2000) Railway speed restrictions

What's all this nonsense about train-drivers being unable to cope with new speed restrictions ? What do they do that's so complicated ? They don't even have to steer the damned things. Mind you, I suppose having to look out of the window does present a bit of a challenge if you're used to getting in, slapping your beer-belly on the dead-mans switch and falling asleep.

I suspect the only reason these railway speed-restrictions have been lifted is that the tiny-brained vermin who rejoice whenever motorists get shafted tend to travel by train, and don't like it when it happens to them. . .

>> They should be thankful that they don't have speed humps.

Pah. Don't talk to me about speed-humps, t'wife set a new record the other day. From completely clothed to post-coitus cigarette in under a minute, and we don't even smoke.

(9 Oct 2004) Women

> How else could they be so cunning and manipulative?

Lots and lots of practice. I have a theory - dinosaurs... no! not that theory! Where was I? Oh yes:

For the last few months She Who Must Be Obeyed has been taking t'daughter, Gurgle, (aged 5 going on 15) to ballet dancing lessons. Lots of Gurgle's friends seem to be involved, but - and here is where the theory comes in - as far as I can tell none of them shows the slightest ability or inclination to dance. It would be kindness itself to describe their dancing ability as being on a par with that of Ayres rock. They collectively have all the grace and skill of a herd of pissed elephants. So, either this is a ruse and they're being taught something else or somewhere in cheshire there's an inept and/or suicidal ballet-dancing teacher. . .

I suspect some sort of female indoctrination process hidden from the eyes of men. I must investigate. I'll follow her next time and report ba[no carrier]

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