Friday, November 27, 2009

Suicide bombers

The other day a friend and I were discussing the way the press call suicide bombers cowards. Call 'em idiots, if you like, that's generally appropriate, but cowards? I wouldn't have the guts to do it...

Then that led to us pondering [gross simplification alert] the whole Muslim paradise concept that these idiots are sold - die with the name "Allah!" on your lips and you are guaranteed an eternity of virgins, endlessly renewed... Well, think about it - what sort of pathetic inadequates would want to spend eternity in the company of virgins? The whole idea stinks of primitive misogynistic stupidity - give me an experienced lover over a virgin (or under, I don't care... sorry...) every time.

It's all a bit worrying, really - "Allah" sounds enough like "Aaargh!" that it could happen by accident. One wrong syllable and I could find myself educating virgins for eternity; remind me - is this supposed to be heaven or hell?

Maybe that's why black-box flight recorders show that the last word of people who know they're about to die is almost invariably "shit!"... Far less ambiguous than "Aaargh!"...

Hmmm. After due consideration I've decided to opt for re-incarnation and come back as a lesbian, who in their right mind wouldn't? Though knowing my luck it'll be as a lesbian sheep with all the frustration that implies. Gah...

Oh, shit - thought of something worse than being a lesbian sheep - might come back as a lesbian in one of those backward countries where the women have to go round wearing tents lest the sight of naked female flesh (we're talking about arms, legs, faces, etc here, nothing risque) drives the so-called 'men' wild with lust - ever stopped to think about their revolting logic? The men make the women cover themselves up because the men say they can't trust themselves not to rape women who are uncovered? What does that say about them? Learn to control yourselves and leave women alone...

Those wondering what I've got against sheep might not know that a female sheep that wants sex basically signals this by standing still. That's fine if you're a heterosexual because eventually the ram will notice and spring into action, but if you're a gay female sheep it's a bit of a non-starter... You stand still. If you're lucky another female likes you and... stands still... Then you both stand about being embarrassed and fending off unwanted males. It's a bit like a student disco, now I come to think of it.

I'm going off this whole lesbian thing, it seems fraught with difficulty.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Garden Partly

I was rummaging about in some old files and I came across this set of alternate lyrics to Marillion's Garden Party. May not mean anything to anyone else, who doesn't know Ste, Simon and Fiona, but it amused me to write and it amused me again when I came across it today...

Ste's been drinking things today
Fiona's home there's hell to pay
Social drinking, another bender
Wayward Ste's with another lager

"Hello can, hello can"

Edgy cats in mewing numbers, rudely wakened from their slumbers
Time has come again for slaughter, on the chair by drunken 'master'

Water pistols keep them on the run
Flying cushions chase them, every one
Straafed by Steve, they sulk in hidden corners, again
Oh God, not again

Vindaloos consumed en masse, betray their presence as a gas
Plazas loiter in the stomach, chemicals leech creating ulcers

"A lifetimes' drinking dims the light, the results of smirnov in the eyes"

Doctors son, her mothers daughter, will they make it to the altar ?
Please don't consume all the grass, unless accompanied by a fellow

May I be so bold as to perhaps suggest othello ?

Punting all the cats is jolly fun
They say
Going to the pub, oh please do come
They say
Drinking is the tops, a game for men
Oh they say
They say
Good God they say

I'm punting
I'm drinking
I'm snoring
So boring
I'm rocking
I'm fucking
" Who's is she ?"

Life's a party

Simon scores another few, Fiona smiles she got it too
Ste concedes a losing battle, cigarettes out - it's his flash

Phone calls polluted with false charm, Mother knows he means no harm
Future dinners now assured, he returns to drinking - unperturbed
Oh, unperturbed

Ohhh Punting all the cats, oh please do come they say
Drinking dry the town, oh please do come they say
He's sleeping with your wife again today
"Oh please do come"
"Oh please do come"
He say...

Incidentally, they all loved it. Ste was invited to retaliate, but sadly never did.

Psi (the Simon in the tale) also versified Ste, but the only line I can remember was :-

"It was big and brown and it wouldn't go down"

I seem to recall this related to the mother of all turds...


Wasn't paying much attention, but while I was I working with the radio on in the background I heard that Obama had pardoned a turkey.

Was it Bush or Blair?

Thursday, November 19, 2009


In order to justify his invasion of Poland Hitler hatched a plan to make it look like the Germans were provoked; this involved the Nazis faking a Polish raid on a German radio station near the border. To create credible 'evidence' for the raid some political prisoners were to be dressed in Polish uniforms, shot and their bodies left near the station; in the plans these unfortunates were referred too as "canned goods".

As a result of this invasion the English declared war on Germany, and the declaration of war was broadcast on radio immediately following a programme titled "Making the most of tinned food".

Someone or something has an ironic sense of humour...

Monday, November 16, 2009

Dairy products

Just turned the TV on and stumbled across an episode of something called Emmanuelle 2000 on the sci-fi channel. In an improbable sex scene set in a kitchen a couple were pouring dark chocolate sauce and milk over each other... Chocolate sauce, yes, cream, yes - been there, done that - but milk? cold milk straight out of a fridge? No.

Probably some insane american black/white equal opportunity thang...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Windows 7

So, in a rare - one might even say unprecedented - moment of enthusiastic optimism I ordered a copy of Windows 7 (ultimate edition) from Amazon. After all, it couldn't possibly be as awful as Vista.

After forking out £140 and waiting a couple of days, this arrived:

Gods, it comes to something when even Microsoft can't afford a decent box... Hang on - light dawns - this is a pirate! I suppose that's what you get when you order software from:

Gah... I spend minutes of my life writing invective and telling them that if I wanted pirated software I would get it myself, not spend £140 on it. I wax lyrical. I am prepared for a long drawn out fight with some faceless corporation. And then you know what they go and do? Refund me in full. What sort of nasty, evil, twisted company does that? After Sue has gone to the trouble of finding that nice picture an' all...

Sheesh. You just can't trust some people.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Yahoo toolbar

No! I do not want to install your bastard toolbar! Stop asking me! Just bugger off with your "A new Java update is available and by the way, would you like to install the Yahoo Toolbar?" or your "A new AVG update is available and by the way, would you like to install the Yahoo Toolbar?" or your [deleted] garbage [deleted] bastard [deleted] software that installs that miserable toolbar... [deleted]

I wish there was a way to tell those [deleted] [deleted] at Yahoo to stop spamming the [deleted] universe with their accursed toolbar. Wankers...

I may have been going on a bit about this at work, because after one grump a chorus of "They fuck you with the toolbar" was heard...

Monday, November 02, 2009

Religious education

"The thing you have to remember about religions is that they can't all be right... They could, however, very easily all be wrong"